Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
