Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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