you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
