That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
