Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
