i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
