if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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