The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
