he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
