He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
