Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
