make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
