I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
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