after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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