Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
