nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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