Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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