I'm so fucking centered right now
we made out on top of his cat.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
