the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
