I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
