i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
