the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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