I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Randomize
