I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
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He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
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Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too