I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.