I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
