i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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