Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
this must be what syphilis tastes like
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
