what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
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