Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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