Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?