then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
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Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
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I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...