My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
