I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
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i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
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I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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