you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I have post one night stand depression
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
