I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
