Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
