I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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