The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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