my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Randomize
