And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
