Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
