Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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