you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
