oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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