This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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