Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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