I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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