I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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