I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
