My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
he thought i was a dude.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
