Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
