DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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