Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
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