There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
