she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
