You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
My penis needs a shock collar
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
