i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
