You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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