I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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