I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
